Like that familiar toy that entertained you over and over as a child, we keep digging Not Funny…Ever out of our bookmarks and returning. Some for scantily clad women, some for pure amusement, and a few for the sadistic horror he provides through deceptively ingenious ways. Unfortunately, there is a darker side to Mr. Coyote.

Over the years he has brought us an untold number of topics which not only generated controversy but tortured some of our very souls. Whether it was Harry Potter in a liplock with Malfoy or the tender embrace of Frodo and Sam, no one has forced the emptying of vomit filled trashcans more. After reading literally hundreds and hundreds of columns and stories, I’ve jokingly made a “list” for him between us of things he should never be allowed to discuss. That list is now something we are making public.

I bring you the 5 Deadly Sins of Coyote’s Writing.

1) Tentacles - Ten or so years ago a tentacle was nothing more than an creepy slimy thing that choked you to death in bad science fiction movies. Everything from childrens shows to toys could have an octopus and there was nothing out of the ordinary about it. Thanks to unusual Japanese anime it’s come to have a much more profane and darker meaning.

Coyote of course being sensitive to other cultures likes to frequently allude to tentacles (vines fall under the same category) and their destructive power on women in particular. As a result he has ruined the following: The squid bath toy I had as a child, my memories of the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride, Cthulu, spaghetti, and various cleaning products (don’t ask).

What is the obsession with it? While I’m sure Freud would have a field day with genital references I think he secretly likes anime more than he lets on.

2) Women - There are very few topics besides gaming Coyote has covered more than women. What do they like? What do they not like? Has he ever really been in a girls locker room before?

From entire entries on women’s breasts to verbal lashings unleashed upon the Girls Entertainment Network his columns provide the substance of anti-Lifetime Original Movies. Anorexia? Spousal Abuse? Screw that! We have “buy diet candy for your loved ones” and there are numerous people who now envision him sitting at his PC in a wife beater t shirt on beer number six yelling at his wife to get cheesy poofs.

Why does he hate women? He doesn’t and never has. Unfortunately most people are too stupid to realize their buttons are being pushed. So he’ll sit there…in his wife beater… happily pushing away.

3) Politics - If there is one topic that Coyote only occasionally discusses, it’s politics. He could care less who is in office debating what because they are “old crooked white guys.” From reminding people their Presidential vote “doesn’t really count” to explaining what foolish stunt Jack Thompson has recently pulled he hits just as hard as Stephen Colbert minus the conservatism, background, and concern for fallout.

Why is this bad? Looking beyond the fact he’s a communist because he doesn’t vote, his ability to find and highlight the most controversial issues is astounding. Coming from a man who believes John Edwards is a psychic and Barack Obama a character from Mortal Kombat I think it’s safe to say we’re better off.

Why does he cover politics? Because it pushes peoples buttons…surely you see a pattern here. He also likes knowing that something posted actually clenched up my butt cheeks faster than a discussion of the human bot fly.

4) Religion - This is a topic very few people should be allowed to discuss publicly and Coyote is near the bottom of the list. Anything regarding activities of the Catholic Church or a religious group entering the gaming arena is fair game.

His coverage of how to receive forgiveness of sins online was…enlightening and not in ANY way mocking of religious practices. A proclamation that missing church for football was ok was not only sage advice, but an example of his dedication to the Seahawks.

So why does he do it? It goes back to the Communism thing.

5) Animals - Cute, cuddly, furry, and continually abused/killed by Coyote, there is nothing he has received more hate mail over (thank you spelunkers). His bravery against a bird on his balcony is not only the stuff of legends but his humane “broom” treatment is a lesson to us all.

What’s wrong with discussing animals and things related? Ignoring his reference to PETA as “dirty hemp wearing hippies” and “animal terrorists” he’s actually shot a bat in the friggin head with a paintball gun. How Ed Gein do you have to be to pull that off? Sure he says it was an “accident” and he’s “completely irresponsible with firearms” but I’m not sure some are buying it.

If a story begins with an animal or insect, you can never expect it to end happily so they must be secretly locked away and never retold. Is he a killer or does trouble just follow him? It’s hard to decide.

So there you have the 5 Deadly Sins of Coyote’s writing. Now saying all this, he is by far one of the most talented writers I’ve ever personally known. A master of words, skilled debater, and insightful comic. You however wouldn’t ask Picasso to paint your family portrait would you? You could however ask him to direct Busty Cops 7…

I have to start this by saying I’m a HUGE fan of military history.  No I’m not the guy who walks old battlefields looking for scraps of metal or dresses up like a civil war soldier.  I have however read a number of books with authors such as Sun Tzu, Clausewitz, Machiavelli, and Archer Jones.  I was also the kid who would sit on the floor of the living room with little plastic soldiers while old World War II movies (usually starring John Wayne) were playing. 
 

I enjoy a good military strategy or even military themed game, it’s one of the reasons I’ve grown fond of Tabula Rasa.  Games like Medal of Honor, Call of Duty, Steel Panthers, Company of Heroes have shaped my gaming experience and in recent days spurned some very important questions.  Have we dried up the military genre?
 

First Person Shooter
 

Call of Duty and Medal of Honor are by far the most recognizable series of First Person Shooters surrounding a military theme.  While others fit in the fringe, these are putting you into historical combat situations.  The history of World War II is absolutely fascinating to me, but it’s done guys.  I cannot storm the beaches of Normandy, jump out of a plane over St. Mary Eglise, or fend off a German invasion of Stalingrad one more time.  Most people these days don’t even KNOW where most of these places are.  Go try and find someone under 25 who can tell you what country Normandy is in. 
 

Are there other ways you can go?  Unfortunately, “first person shooter” kind of pigeonholes you into a war with guns and I can’t really see the rate of fire on a civil war musket being fun.  That only leaves us with Korea (which wasn’t popular), Vietnam (which was controversial), and Afghanistan/Iraq.  It’s this last category that seems to be the most popular settings for current games and I have to be honest, there were no mass invasions of giant battles in Iraq.  You are either going to have get extremely creative or people will be bored quickly. 
 

Real Time Strategy/Turn Based
 

The 90’s were the glory days of strategy including games like Steel Panthers, Panzer General, and Warlords were commonplace and taught us that not only was battlefield domination fun, but required a lengthy time commitment.  As time moved on and technology improved, turn based gaming all but perished forming what we know today as RTS.  Most of the themes of these games surrounded scenarios and could pull from a plethora of actual battles from conflicts all over the world. 
 

RTS games have bounced all over the place with realistic scenarios such as Company of Heroes to the fictional yet convincing Command and Conqueor series.  While many RTS are still fun (Age of Empires III being an example) the problem at this point there is little left you can make exciting for gameplay.  You are capturing a positon, rescuing a squad, or churning out soldiers to blitz the enemy whether you are in 1944 France or 1066 England. 
 

So what options do we have these days?  There is more or less the same choice we had 5 years ago, something that feels very similar to Age of Empires,  or another Call of Duty.  People love the environment of battle because it provides a feeling of danger and excitement you don’t get from something like the Sims.  Is there anything left though? Will I get the feeling of elation from conquering another castle, or the satisfaction that I escaped Wolfenstein ever again?

Another two weeks has passed and I haven’t updated?  Where does the time go?

In that time, Tabula Rasa has been delayed a few weeks for some much needed polish.  While the game client seems fairly stable there are a few additions they are looking to add like a broker system, more content, and general bug squashing.

On a much more dramatic front this week another delay was announced, Gods and Heroes.  The difference is Tabula Rasa will be released and Gods and Heroes, not so much. Rumors abound to Perpetual not only being sold but Gods and Heroes being shelved indefinitely.

What happened with Perpetual?  Sure their financial situation hasn’t been rumored to be amazing and icy sounding relations with SOE their publisher didn’t sound promising either, but the project was canned?  All this time and money developing a product that won’t see the light of day?

I’m not saying I’m really surprised it didn’t become a big hit, but I’m fairly shocked it didn’t even launch this far into production.  All the hype, the tradeshows, and the community.  Gone.

I feel for the true Gods and Heroes fans who were excited about the game and expected a great addition to the MMO game market.  Were their pivotal issues with the mechanics?  Did Perpetual just run financially dry?  Did upper management just decide it couldn’t be done? I have to at least give them a little respect for not pushing the product to launch if it wasn’t ready. 

What will happen to Perpetual?  If the rumors are true, they are continuing work on Star Trek Online but this isn’t going to bolster consumer or invest confidence in operations.  All bad press dies eventually though, so we’ll have to see what happens.

What does this mean to people in the Gods and Heroes beta or people with beta keys?  It sounds like you have an extra bookmark for the next novel you read.  It always pains me to see a high profile project slide downhill like this but all those bright and talented employees will hopefully continue their craft at other ventures.  I wish them luck.

SOMEBODY recently started a blog and linked mine with the comment (I never update) which ok…if you look back I haven’t updated in a day or sixteen.

What have I been doing?

Playing Tabula Rasa and lots of it. Being given the reins of our new Tabual Rasa site (suckers) I’ve tried to add my own flavor, which takes like sour apple, to our content.

Has it worked? I don’t really have time to answer because I’m trying to put the butt of my rifle across a Thrax soldiers forehead. I really did intend to give a further preview of TR but the day after I wrote the first part they asked me to do a formal review. Yeah…me…formal.

I pimp Tabula Rasa out so much these days it just seems silly for me to keep going on about it, but if you don’t know what its about, check it out.

Ten Ton Hammer Tabula Rasa

It’s been a slow week for the industry, probably because everyone is exhausted from non-stop shows and conferences over the last 2 months. From E3, to Comicon, to AGDC, to PAX, to FF, to Leipzig, to TGS…I don’t see how anyone is still breathing.

One thing that really interested me this week was Jericho. This horror PC game worked on by fright master Clive Barker himself was refused a rating in snooty Germany (who HOSTED the largest videogame event in the world this year ironically).

Threatened with a loss of sales in a major market and bad press, Codemasters….pretty gave the German rating board the finger and said they weren’t redoing it. That’s right Germany, Codemasters doesn’t give two craps what you rate it.

I haven’t been this happy since Thompson got sanctioned.

Codemasters has refused to edit the game so it looks like German fans will just have to…cross into Austria and buy it. Oh you really showed them Germany! *thumbs up*

Here is an article on it.

Alright so now that the TR NDA has finally dropped I’m allowed to actually talk about the beta yay! What is Tabula Rasa? It’s a science fiction MMORPG being developed by Destination Games led by industry giant Richard Garriott. NCSoft who published Lineage, City of Heroes, and Auto Assault (so their record isn’t spotless) will be pushing out Tabula Rasa October 19th.

The developers have made a very great attempt to bring story to the game. From what we’ve been told, Earth in the very near future was unexpectedly invaded by a sinister force of aliens called the Bane. Yeah I know you’ve probably seen it in a hundred bad movies where the special effects are added to the guns AFTER they filmed but stay with me. A few in the government are prepared for this and grab up the best and brightest taking them to an evacuation point.

Apparently Earth is attached to an elaborate wormhole system (stop thinking Stargate because I know it’s what you are doing) and those elite chosen are sent through. We find out not only are we not alone but other races are in pitched battles across the universe with the Bane. These races join forces to create the Allied Free Sentients and battle for their worlds. While Earth has been obliterated, it’s not too late to save other planets.

So it’s here you find yourself as a loyal soldier in pitched battle. Unlike many other games you don’t get to select your class from character creation. You start out as a recruit having nothing more than rudimentary weapon skills like rifles/pistols/shotguns, hand to hand and armor. You are also given what are called Logos abilities which allow you do things like wield lightning or cause other types of fun damage.

At level 5 you are given your first class choice and allowed to head down the road of support (Specialist) or warrior (Soldier) allowing you access to differing skills. You continue to retain your recruit skills carrying them into the higher levels.

Combat

Fast and furious are the best ways to describe it. Tabula Rasa is a Third Person view with an FPS type UI. Fortunately for many of us, this does not require the twitch skills of a 13 year old to be good at the game. Weapons brought near an enemy lock on and it’s fairly easy to start blasting away. If picking off something at 60 meters isn’t your thing, maybe the shotgun will work at 20 meters, or even a point blank melee attack.

It may sound very simplistic to MMOG veterans who are used to managing different abilities and spells but don’t let it fool you. In higher levels not only do what weapon you are holding make a difference but some creatures are immune/highly vulnerable to certain types of damage. An entire array of weaponry is needed to stay alive.

Another really interesting aspect of TR is the experience modifiers. As you continually kill creature after creature you’ll notice a modifier appear at the bottom of the UI. This means you can earn up to 6X your normal amount of experience per kill making a death sometimes well worthwhile.

More later on Tabula Rasa but be sure to check our site and our forums!

Videogames have served so many purposes over the years.  From marketing platforms, to education, to pure entertainment their invasion of the media world is recognized by people of all ages.  Do videogames have an evil use like many politicians claim? They do, and it’s not in the “GTA teaches people to kill” way you might think.

MSNBC ran a story a few days ago about a new MMOG called Incorruptible Warrior.  Now while this might sound like a AA console title involving ancient Streetfighter II mechanics and an epic story about saving the universe, this is different.  This MMOG has been sponsored by the Chinese government?

Do whasahowsa?

That’s right!  The Chinese government who censors nearly everything “Western” has funded an MMOG for distribution to addicted players all over their country.  Why would they do that?

Simple, it’s an innovative new way to spread their government propaganda.  See the point of Incorruptible Warrior is not like you’d see in all the good Samurai/Ninja movies.  There are no villagers to save from an invading force or slow motion epic fights in the tree tops.  You fight against… *cues dramatic music* corrupt officials.

That’s it?  Why battle dragons and throwing star wielding warriors when you can fight overweight middle aged business men who take bribes?  Why dismantle a criminal organization deep in the heart of a thriving city when you take on an Environmental inspector who falsifies inspection reports?

I couldn’t believe this when I read it.  They actually MADE a game to help spread their government ideals.  Oh but they didn’t leave out the sex appeal in case you were wondering.  There are bikini clad assistants helping them because THAT is a deterrent to unethical and corrupt behavior.  Wow…I can be powerful and get chicks, this is wrong.

And the part that completely blows my mind is…it was successful.  I’m not kidding; MSN reports that they made the game server for only 600 people (probably kids in the videogame rehabilitation camps) and over 10,000 have signed up.  How many of them showed up to start farming money we’ll never know and in a population of gazillions that really isn’t a lot of people.

It’s possible this was the only place you could find bikini clad females online, who knows?

Fortunately for these wayward players, the server has been completely overwhelmed and is shutdown while the Chinese probably take down some public service (healthcare systems) so they can teach people the 5 rules of why China is better than all the other countires.

I guess what really saddens me the most is videogames are being manipulated for such a corrupt purpose.  There is no arguing they can be extremely useful in education, especially for people who learn better visually, but a government sponsored reprogramming?  What type of dark road are we traversing here?

It’s the last day of Fan Faire and while I’m a little sad I’ve barely slept so I kind of mix up happy with sad at points during the day…

7:00 AM - That’s right, I’m up at the buttcrack of dawn again.  I write up what I saw on the Agency and then contact Taea and Kiara about some breakfast.

7:35 AM - Kiara calls instead of punching me.  “Did Dar make it back?”  I’m suddenly panicked at the thought that might NOT be Dar on the other bed.  He appears to be Dar like in nature so I’m ok. 

7:40 AM - I ask Dar if he wants breakfast.  He replies with “Mmmrffmmm” which I take to mean no.

7:50 AM - I grab Kiara and Taea and we make our way down for some breakfast.  Oddly enough Dar is waiting downstairs for us so…who is in our room?  I found out apparently Dar just left with a woman leaving Tallika and Promise at the club and came back to the hotel.  Go Dar!

8:10 AM - The waitress explains to Kiara (who is half Korean) there is a Chinese menu on the back for her convenience.  Her anger boils at someone besides me for once so I enjoy it while I can.

8:10.5 AM - I make a comment about breakfast just like they have in Beijing and draw ire.  I had a good run.

9:00 AM - OMG it’s Owlchick!  Tracy Seamster who used to work on EQ2 is one of the most fun developers I’ve met and I’m so glad I got to see her.  She pries me off her leg with a crowbar and goes to enjoy her breakfast.

9:30 - 11:00 AM - We wander around the lounge where Coyote is drooling over Larry Elmore and trying to give away beads to Ship who refuses to take his shirt off.  Calthine from Zam is also there and appears to be trying to take everything in.  I have to make it through 2 more sessions.

12:00 PM - We head for the Trading Card Game session because…Coyote wants to see his card.  ok I had to cover it for Ten Ton Hammer as well. 

12:10 PM - The EverQuest TCG is compared to the Pirates CSG

12:15 PM - The session is going fairly well.  While I expected to SEE more of the game, they attempt to answer every question thrown at them including multiplayer sessions.

12:25 PM - EverQuest TCG is again compared to the Pirates CSG by the same person

12:35 PM - Shipwreck has gone into a giggle fit over a joke Coyote had made drawing attention of everyone in the room.  As Ship settles down Coyote realizes that this isn’t positive attention.  He then adds another joke to get Ship going again.

12:40 PM - Ship is coughing from laughing so much and does something absolutely unbelievable.  Even though he can’t stop laughing he notices Brokain’s arm around Winter’s chair (see yesterday and the day before if you don’t know who she is).  In a suicidal move he shoves Brok’s arm on her forcing me to turn away immediately before I laugh myself.  Tears welling in my eyes I can see John Smedley and Scott Hartsman looking at him.  CRAP!  I’m sitting right next to him.

1:00 PM - Scott Hartsman comes over to beat Ship into a coma.  I feel bad for Ship so I offer to hold his hat.

1:05 PM - We walk in late to Larry Elmores session on art.  It wasn’t really a structured session just more of a Q&A where he shared some of his experiences.  Not being an artist myself I didn’t expect to get a lot out of it other than a few good stories.  I was wrong.  Mr. Elmore confides at how difficult life in art and even writing can be and I have one of the few serious moments of reflection I would get at Fan Faire.  I walked away a little wiser and have quite a bit of gratitude towards him for sharing.

2:00 PM - We’re late for Rise of Kunark.  We rush over to the session and figure we’ll just sit in the back.  How crowded can it be?

2:05 PM - We’re standing in a mass of people WITHOUT chairs in the back of the room.  Lead Designer Akil “Lyndro” Hooper’s head is about 4 inches tall we’re so far back.  Until I hear Steve “Saavedra” Kramers voice I’m not even sure these are the EQ2 Developers. 

2:10 PM - Liz “Feconix” Sigmund reads an entertaining “What I did on my Summer Vacation” to describe the raid content she is working.  Veeshan’s Peak sounds like it is going to kick ass.  This means I won’t see it for 12 months. 

2:15 PM - The first question comes up about contested raid content. Lyndro answers there will be “some.”

2:17 PM - The second question comes up about contested raid content.  Hartsman steps in to explain they aren’t focusing on the 1% of 1% so sit down or he’s going to beat you like Shipwreck.

2:30 PM - The crowd becomes disappointed at the lack of new AA’s.  I’m wondering about getting some AA’s I actually like on my Brigand. Why do we need more?

2:45 PM - The questions range from more about raiding, to the avatars but you can read more here.  It was a decent session but they said there was a lot more to discuss at the open forum session.

3:00 PM - The open forum session last year was a field day of ridiculous questions so I skipped it and from what I understand it’s a good thing.  Apparently it was packed but they did mention a few things no one was expecting. 

3:10 PM - We all go grab something to drink at the Chinese restaurant.  I order a bowl of rice because I haven’t eaten lunch.

3:11 PM - The lady at the register hands me a receipt to sign which I do.  She then says “Your card no work.”  “What?” I ask surprised.  What did I just sign? I’m MORE than certain I have $4.57 in my account so…  “It no work” she repeats as if I’m going to magically fix things.  Apparently the entire register was broken by my debit card. 

4:00 PM - We head back to our room and hook up with everyone who went to the open forum.  Suckers.  Outland who is a former forum poster from the old days shows up and is pretty much exactly what I expected.  Very entertaining.

5:00 PM - Coyote and I are the only ones who I notice have decided to wear slacks.  Strangely there are no women in the room so we flip for who gets to escort Ship or Dar.  I end up with Dar.  Figures.

7:00 PM - We make our way down to the banquet hall and are seated at the front with the wedding party.  The food is hamburgers, chicken and the biggest damn hot dogs I have ever seen in my life.  EVER.  They are mutant.  We’re talking almost 2 inches in diamter and a real foot long, not like the ones you buy in the store. 

7:05 PM - Outland is waving his hotdog around at the table.  Yeah I’m done with mine now thanks. 

7:30 PM - Kelly and Nathan’s wedding is about to begin.  From the back of the room comes…Darth Vader and two Stormtroopers.  How friggin cool is that?  I’ve got a whole interview/write up here (yes it’s shameless promotion but saves me typing).  The wedding was amazing and congratulations again to Nathan and Kelly.  By far one the coolest things I’ve seen at a Fan Faire.

7:40 PM - Brenlo has groups of players yell so we all know exactly how many Planetside and Matrix Online People are there.

7:45 PM - Brenlo takes the stage for the obligatory contests.  There are no Casters Realms Tshirts this year so we’re all sad.

8:05 PM - Brenlo reminds us again that Planetside and Matrix Online don’t have many people there.

8:35 PM - The Planetside contest consisted of doing an emote.  All three Planetside attendees go up and the MOST excited one ran off the stage.   No I mean he ran OFF the stage.  Clutching his leg I start looking for a piece of jagged plastic he might have stepped on.  The rest of the night was filled with Brenlo reminding people to “USE THE STAIRS!  WALK!” and that there were only a few Planetside and Matrix Online players there.

9:10 PM - The horrifying Manly Man where people went up on stage to put on a small pink tshirt.  People swear this happened last year but I must’ve repressed it.  Terrifying doesn’t cover it…  I have to turn away and I watch Coyote’s face and see the jokes forming in his head.  So many are coming at once he doesn’t know what to say.

10:30 PM - The party is winding down so we all head back to Dar and my room for…hey.  We sure did end up there a lot… 

11:00 PM -  We laugh, we joke, we make fun of Brok and eventually everyone heads to bed for early flights.  I say goodbye to a few folks I won’t see in the morning.

11:45 PM - Dar and I head down with Kiara and Promise and being unable to decide what to do get coffee.  WOOO Vegas baby!  Let’s get some COFFEE!  WOOOOO!

12:30 AM - Calthine’s husband (I’m horrible with names but I think it starts with a ‘J’) hangs out with us.  While Dar zones in and out I discuss EQ2 mechanics with him. I see Promise eyeing Dar like he’s going to take advantage of him. 

1:00 AM - We people watch for some time and wow is stuff different in Vegas.  I guess because no one knows you that means you can dress however you want.  Everything is shiny…

2:00 AM - Dar and I are falling out of our chairs.  We both agree it’s time to go to bed so we can catch our flight 20 hours later. 

The trip is more or less over.  I still have one more day ahead of me before I get home.

This is the first “official” day of Fan Faire which means I have plenty to see and do. I would meet some interesting folks today…

7:00 AM - Yes I dragged myself out of bed early to work a little. I grab my 3rd or 4th cup of liquid potpourri and try and focus on what I’m doing. Trying to be considerate of Dar I say “HEY DAR THE INTERNET IS WORKIIIIIIING.”

7:45 AM - I head downstairs with Dar where we find Taea, Kiara, and Leonai from OGaming Radio who turned out to be extremely cool. Kiara punches me for being Radar.

8:05 AM - Our very nice waitress brings us some very expensive but fairly tasty omelets along with an edible flower. Kiara punches me for being male and Radar.

8:45 AM - Coyote and Ship show up apparently having eaten cold pizza for breakfast. Coyote’s foot seems to be healing nicely and Kiara punches me for cutting him.

9:30 AM - I head back to the room for a few minutes to put an article up. Coyote and everyone else is either getting ready or already down in the Lounge.

10:35 AM - I make my way down to the lounge which is already packed with people. They’ve got booths for Pirates of the Burning Seas, Gods and Heroes, Larry Elmore, and all kinds of other stuff.

11:10 AM - Coyote hands me a VIP seating for The Agency ticket. I sob while thinking “I’m going to have to work this off later.”

11:35 AM - I see our CEO Pat Connoy walking around and make sure to grab him a ticket to The Agency. Coyote is going to make me wear the heels now I can tell.

11:40 AM - 1:00 PM - There is a lot of standing around with no one knowing what to do. Promise a Vegas local shows up which means I can count on being licked in the next 48 hours. Don’t ask me, it’s what he does.

1:00 PM - The Agency Q&A begins. Hal Milton and Matt Wilson do an excellent job of selling this game and taking our questions.

1:25 PM - Shipwreck steals my PvP question. I think he was looking over my shoulder which means he should’ve been asking “Where do the naked spies hang out?”

1:35 PM - Kiara punches me until I ask about character customization.

1:40 PM - Trebs from AggroFish in EQ2 asks Hal to elaborate on his “secret affairs” mechanic involving people being able to meet in an “intimate” way. Trebs is wondering about same sex meetings. Hal is a highly experienced, well prepared guy. He wasn’t ready for this question. He took it like a champ and gave the best answer he could. Huge points to Trebs for entertaining all of us.

2:15 PM - We head to a Chinese restaurant in the casino to grab lunch. Kiara punches me for ordering sweet and sour pork.

2:30 PM - We are now all eating around a giant round table. Brokain also of AggroFish is looking angry at his food.

2:35 PM - I spot Kendricke up in line. Brok threatens to break things if I bring him over. I state I would never do such a thing. I go over say hi, and point out that Coyote is over at the table near Shipwreck, Brok, etc…

3:00 PM - 4:30 PM - We all fan out to head our separate ways. I head back over to the lounge and snag a chance to talk to Debysue Wolfcale who is the Senior Brand manager for Gods and Heroes and very excited about their product. She says I should be excited too or Medusa is going to kill me in my sleep. The game seems to be shaping up really well.

5:30 PM - We all meet back downstairs for Smedley’s announcement. I’m planted between Ship and Winter praying she doesn’t do the man voice on me again. Winter is actually pretty nice so I’m able to focus on Smedley. I eagerly get out my pad, pen, and recorder and prepare to write. The lights dim to almost total darkness. Crap. Annoyed I at least make a few notes by cell phone light.

6:30 PM - Almost everything I’ve seen is rehash from E3, Comic Con, and Gamer Day but the crowd seems to be into it. I’d say it was going well for SOE but we were all waiting for the new game to be shown. Smedley announces a new card game which didn’t surprise most of us but did catch me off guard saying it was an in game client.

7:00 PM - It’s time for the Pool party soon. Coyote has heard an open bar rumor so I pack our tents. Kiara punches me for bringing an air matress.

7:30 PM - The group heads in but Taea doesn’t have her ID which they are checking so I volunteer to wait because hey, it’s Taea. Brok shows up moments later.

7:45 PM - We head outside and it’s hot. Dry heat, humid heat I don’t give a crap it all feels the same to me. Everyone is sitting at a few tables in the very back. As we arrive I notice ice and glasses all over the place. Ship informs me Tallika’s beard flipped the table in anger.

8:30 PM - Pat Connoy shows up and we chit chat with him about everything going on. Taea convinces me to have a Vodka and Red Bull. It’s hard to say no to Taea.

8:31 PM - Wow Vodka really DOES taste like regret.

8:40 PM - I’m discussing Gods and Heroes with Pat when Winter walks up behind me and does the man voice. Coyote describes the look on my face as one of the funniest things he saw that day but I have trouble remembering since I’ve repressed the experience.

8:42 PM - To add insult to injury Promise walks up behind me and pinches my ass.

8:43 PM - Dar starts dancing up next to me like a wild man. I break at this point planning on killing people in their sleep. Kiara punches me for even thinking about it.

9:01 PM - Trebs and Promise do something I completely repress but apparently there are pictures.

10:00 PM - Various people make their way over to the tables including Lyndro, Gallenite, and Saavedra. I notice we’re starting to take casualties from the alcohol. I’m not concerned yet, but I’m watching a few people.

10:20 PM - A very attractive looking woman shows up asking if we recognize her. I of course do being very familiar with who she is but Brasse the well known dwarf fools almost everyone else. This is my first chance to actually sit down and chat with her in person and she is an absolute riot.

10:45 PM - We’ve got casualties. Brok and I assess the situation which consisted of Brok telling me exactly what to do in a very stern voice. He puts on a plastic yellow helmet and takes complete command. Kiara punches me for not following his instructions better.

11:15 PM - 2:30 AM – We get everyone to their rooms. I do my best to nurse two of our wounded providing a shoulder to lean on and getting water/Tylenol. I kick back on their couch for a few minutes to make sure nothing happened. Satisfied they were past the worst of it I make my way back to my room. Apparently Dar has gone out with Promise and Tallika to the clubs. Good for him, I’m going to collapse.

3:30 AM - Dar shows up less than 30 mins after I’ve fallen asleep

4:00 AM - Dar’s phone is ringing. Who the HELL is calling him at 4AM? I roll over because we’ve got one more day to survive.

Day 1 of Fan Faire which really is pre-registration turned out to be a really fun time. Meeting up with friends, and finding our way around the conference hall proved to be a little daunting at times.

Butt Crack of Dawn AM - Apparently someone slept with the curtains open so I’m woken by a beautiful sun rise. Coyote is up and trying to get ready while I hear a muffled groan which I *HOPE* is Shipwreck underneath a sheet.
7:15 AM - I try and jury rig some internet to no avail because it took Coyote more than a half hour to install drivers on my laptop. Now in his defense he had been drinking and had to ask SIX times what he was doing again.
7:44 AM - Horror struck our room. The bathroom door crashes open and Coyote stumbles in the room clutching his leg. “MEDIC!” I scream grabbing my collapsing comrade. Coyote gasps in pain and I say “Where are you hit man? They’ll pay, you have my word.”

Coyote points to a small red mark on his foot and holds up the tiny piece of plastic off the shower I placed back on the nail. Ship and I clear out of the way as doctors immediately start a surgical procedure to seal up the gashing wound.

I avoid the fact I was the one who left the plastic in there.

8:05 AM - Coyote takes off to his uber secret meetings and Ship and I sit around deciding how badly we don’t really want to move. We talk for awhile about the perfect man and I get a wonderful recipe for stuffed duck.

9:00 AM - 10:00 AM - I have a meeting with Ten Ton Hammer’s CEO Pat Connoy about our coverage of Fan Faire which I’m beyond nervous about. Normally I don’t even hear from my immediate boss unless I break something but the head of the company?

10:30 AM - I get a text message (instead of a phone call) that everyone is arriving downstairs. We rush down to see who has made it and sure enough Tallika, Taea, and Kiara have shown up. I expected Darammer but I don’t see him. Attempting to fool all of us he shaved his goatee and is calmly standing near a pillar waiting to huck a frisbee at my head.

11:20 AM - As everyone is checking in, a sonic blast levels everyone in the room. As glasses shatter and people dive to the ground I turn around to find out what the hell just happened. Apparently Kiara had found Niami. It also appears that the hotel staff was so upset by it they gave everyone but Taea and Kiara a room.

11:30 AM - Everyone is hungry and I have my lunch with Pat at noon. Fortunately everyone wants to sit in the same restaurant I’m meeting him in. I note to make sure we are seated NOWHERE near them.

12:00 PM - I go out front to meet Pat who shows up promptly and we take a seat at the bar. I immediately draw attention away from myself by grabbing and introducing Coyote. Pat praises his work and seems genuinely happy to meet him. Curses…

12:15 PM - 1:00 PM Pat and I enjoy lunch and he asks about what will be going on at Fan Faire. I yank out my handy research of events and tell him what we’ll be covering. He quizzes me on a few of the products and I give him my candid opinion. As time goes on I ask him about how the network is doing and learn what I can. You don’t get to talk to your CEO every day.

1:15 PM - Pat heads off with a promise to catch us that night at a party SOE is throwing on the roof of the hotel. I head back to my group who smiles like they’ve done something. I’m watching all of them carefully.

1:35 PM - We head down to check out the conference area and see people line for registration already. We chuckle at them and mock while we sit on the bench and hang out.

2:34 PM - The line has gotten maybe 20 people long. Oh no! Maybe we should get in quick! Fools. Brok and Loolee show up and there are hugs and bone crushing handshakes exchanged while we all catch up.

3:30 PM - 5:30 PM I don’t notice, but the line is over 300 people long now and probably over 150 meters long. Fuuuudge. We can wait this out…right? Kiara and Taea take off because they are tired.

6:07 PM - Everyone but Dar and I go back to their rooms. The line snakes probably 200+ meters easily and we decide it’s not getting any shorter. While in line someone comes by handing out cards for Viagra…or was it a photo service online? Either way Mojobaby was there. Tallkia walks up and hops in line with us. The person behind us starts to protest but the beard lets out a fearsome growl.

6:20 PM - We FINALLY get to the front of the line. I have no media badge which I should’ve pressed for so I’m just little old Raxdor this year.

6:30 PM - Dar, Talli, and I walk by Coyote and Ship who are standing in line for Ship’s badge. I would find out later somebody got them to the front of the line. He WANTS to believe we taunted them so he feels less guilty about being a CELEBRITY.

7:00 PM - We all head back to Coyote’s room and I move my stuff into Dar’s room so Ship and I won’t have to spoon tonight. Dar has two beds and I’m about to comment how much I like it when I notice…shower window. So close.

7:20 PM - We’ve pooled money to order like 10 medium pizzas and I find out I’m nowhere near as hungry as I thought I was.

8:05 PM - We head for SOE’s party on the roof. There is only one glass elevator that takes you to the top and as it opens 100 degree air pours out. As people clamor in I’m reminded of why I’m claustrophobic. Coyote reminds me I’m also afraid of heights and shoves me in front of the glass going “See? That isn’t bad is it?”

8:10 PM - We step into the Voodoo lounge which is so loud we have to scream at each other and absolutely packed. A few people order drinks and I watch their faces turn pale as they cost $9.00. We won’t be here long.

8:11 PM - We go outside and decide that room party is the order of the day. We make our way back to the elevator of hell and cram into it. After escaping it’s clutches a few people lead by Coyote decide who is going to buy alcohol and a few of us go back up to Coyote’s room and wait.

9:30 PM - Everyone returns with their alcohol and much laughter and mocking of Brok is done. The first of many Peter Criss jokes emerges as he foolishly tells us he was in the Kiss Army.

10:35 PM - I say goodnight as somebody has to work around here and go back to write a preview. Coyote makes sure to tell me to use the word “the” a lot which means there is about a 112% chance he has left a childish prank on my laptop.

10:36 PM - The word “the” is coming out as “penis” so I roll my eyes, turn off auto correct, and make a note to put “penis” randomly in his next EQ2 story.

10:40 PM - I realize I left my mouse up in his room and head back up. I can hear the party as I get off the elevator. I grab my mouse as they all hush up and snicker like I haven’t figured anything out. I smile and place a piece of sharp plastic in the shower.

11:05 PM until I collapsed - I’m bleary eyed trying to write. The words flow like sludge so I decide to put the preview up first thing in the morning when I’m coherent. I crash and don’t even remember Dar coming in the room or breathing in my ear.

Tomorrow is another day.

My adventures in Las Vegas were a little more toned down than last year, but with plenty to tell.  In the time stamp tradition I used from last year (and stole from Coyote), here goes…
 

9:15 AM - I arrive at the airport, kiss my daughter goodbye, and make my way to check in.  I check my large bag and have the impending feeling I’ll never see it again.  I’m comforted by the fact that after helping me, the ticket agent went on break so I know my bag got the most attention possible. 

 9:34 AM - I buy my first of many cups of liquid potpourri (some people call it Chai latte) and sit down to wait for my flight.  I put my iPod on and begin listening to a Harry Potter book.  Why?  Coyote has asked me to do research to thwart an impending attack and judging by the six people around me reading it, I’d say he has reason to worry.

 10:15 AM - I take my seat on the plane next to the window because SOME of us actually reserve seats so we don’t have to sit next to the toilet.  Next to me sits a man at least 6′ 3″ and dressed like a Goodfella.  I lovingly name him Joey.

 10:33 AM - The stewardess politely asks me to turn off my iPod before I cause us to die in a fiery crash.

 11:05 AM - Joey apparently is unable to handle our lengthy 44 minute flight to Atlanta and orders a Screwdriver.  He proceeds to pay with $100 bill out of his wad of cash.  The stewardess asks him if he has anything smaller.  He flips through his bills in digust.  People really carry $20 bllls?

 11:40 AM - I wave goodbye to Joey and he asks me to say hello to his friend Jimmy in Vegas.  He handed me a knife before he said it which I found odd.  I step off the plane to enjoy my 2.5 hour layover.  Heading to the other concourse I see people getting on trains and moving sidewalks.  Lazy fools, I’ll just walk. 

 12:02 AM - 500 meters is a lot longer that it sounds.  I seem to remember Coyote making this mistake last year…  I sit down at a TGI Fridays and order a cheeseburger.  I’ve been seated outside a bar area with bar stools.  They place me in front of a window where I have a wonderful view of a basketball game…and someone’s ass.  It taunts me in my peripheral vision the rest of the meal.

 12:10 PM - I realize it’s actually 11:10 AM now thoroughly confusing me about how long it will take to get there.  After attempting to complete long division I decide to just trust my cell phone.

 1:12 PM - I board my flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas and settle down next to a window because…once again SOME of us reserve our seats.   I sit next to another person listening to Harry Potter.  She asks “Oh my god, you’ve never read them?  Aren’t they the best?”  I reply “Eh not really…I’m pretty disappointed.  My name is Dan by the way, my friends call me Coyote.”

 1:40 PM- The in-flight movie begins and Spiderman 3 is on screen.  I hadn’t caught it in theaters so I’m more than excited to pay for $2 headphones that don’t fit correctly and are NOT to be plugged in to the call flight attendant button. 

 1:59 PM - Toby Macguire has cried already…ALREADY.

 2:05 PM - They’ve made the Sandman into a complete wuss.  Now it’s my turn to cry. I explain to the Potter fan it’s because the books are just that bad…and my name is Coyote because I want to give hate where hate is due.

 2:10 PM - 3:35 PM - Toby Macguire cries at least 6 more times and I’m getting irritated.  Spiderman is NOT a pansy dammit.  Sack up and start beating on crap NOW. 

 4:05 PM - The movie ends completely depressing me.  Thank god we are almost there.

 4:06 PM - The captain comes over the PA and says if we’ll look to our left we’ll see dirt…lots of dirt.  It is the most exciting dirt EVER.

 4:10 PM - We land and deplane which is ju